As a young man I embraced independence and eagerly went from one level to the next. I remember when I was 18 and I left home for college, I didn’t come back for six weeks. I wanted to prove to myself and others that I had what it takes to make it in this world. That was 40 years ago and a lot has changed since then. 

Emerging Adulthood

The term emerging adulthood refers to a period of time in a young person’s life between adolescence and adulthood. Until recently, it was not even a thing, but now we see it stretching on for years and even decades. Like a butterfly trapped in its cocoon, young people are engaged in a seemingly endless process of becoming adults. 

The emerging adult chooses a college but becomes disillusioned with it and applies somewhere else. They major in something only to find it boring and they switch to something else. The emerging adult gets a job but feels it’s unfulfilling so they quit. They abuse prescription medications and graduate to hardcore drugs like cocaine and heroin. The emerging adult is entitled, job-challenged, penniless, and a permanent fixture on their parents' couch.

Who’s the Boss?

Years ago I travelled with a group to an impoverished nation in South America. I found the trip both inspiring and enlightening. It made me appreciate the standard of living we have here in the U.S. 

One of the things that impressed me was the level of independence the children had. Children as young as seven roam the streets with no parental supervision. Perhaps it can be attributed to the scarcity of motor vehicles or serial killers. Or maybe it is something else.

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Somewhere along the line in our American culture, children became our highest priority. Childrearing is the new religion, with children elevated to deity and parents the ever-faithful worshippers.

Logically it makes no sense; parents are the breadwinners and, at least traditionally, the rule-makers. The parents maintain the home and the children just live in it. Children are consumers of their parents’ largesse. If you don’t agree, take a look at your tax returns. 

Is this healthy? Is it good for children to rule the roost? No, it’s not healthy at all. What’s more, it’s preposterous and dysfunctional. Children need boundaries in order to feel secure. They instinctively act out in an attempt to get their parents to act like parents. Children don’t need a pal, they need parents. 

A Day in the Life

Parents struggle to keep their children busy and entertained. Boredom is a bad thing, something to be avoided at all costs. Actually, it’s not. It won’t kill your child to experience a little boredom now and then. Children have tremendous imaginations and when boredom presents itself those fertile imaginations come to life. It’s called entertaining yourself.

It’s Wednesday afternoon and sixth-grader Aiden has returned home from school. He’s bored. His parents read this article so they know not to breathlessly whisk him away to ball practice or karate class or any of the multitude of other things parents do to keep their children entertained. Instead, his parents are going to let him figure it out for himself. 

Aiden has a choice. He can gobble down junk food and watch TV, or he can wait for dinner and do his homework. By choosing the latter, Aiden is on the road to independence and self-sufficiency. He is becoming responsible. 

Children today don’t learn how to solve problems or entertain themselves because their parents are too quick to jump in. It’s not your job to fix everything in your child’s life. Sure, you do it out of love and with the best intentions, but in the end it’s detrimental to their development.

Back in the Day

In the neighborhood where I grew up, us kids played together without any parental supervision. We spent our days fishing and hiking and playing sports. We used our imaginations to invent games and build things. In other words, we entertained ourselves. 

I learned about consequences, such as if you don’t do your homework you might get a failing grade. Parents gave their children chores to do and rules to follow. Between the parents suffering through teenage angst and young people enduring their parent’s rules, everyone was ready for a change when that 18th birthday rolled around.

Failure to Launch

What we have today is a failure to launch. It’s an epidemic of participation-trophy-recipients not functioning as self-sufficient adults. You don’t have to look very far to find a twenty- or thirty-something adult living at home with their parents. Someone who has no marketable skills, no job, no money, no bank account, no credit, no ambition and no plans for the future. Maybe you have one in your home.

Many of these emerging adults believe they are entitled to what they receive: housing, meals, laundry, cell phone, automobile, internet, TV, insurance, gas money – all at your expense. If that’s not enough, many are belligerent and unwilling to help out around the house. What we are seeing is the long-term effect of doing too much for our children. A long time ago we should have stepped out of the picture and let them fend for themselves.

And the Award Goes to…

Many emerging adults seem to be totally helpless at some things while quite adept at others. Perhaps they deserve recognition for their acting abilities. They can’t seem to find a job or get an apartment but they are experts at manipulating their parents’ emotions and playing video games. If they can figure that out, doesn’t it follow that they could fill out a job application?

Emerging adults have someone who cooks for them and cleans for them and does their laundry. They have free housing and home-cooked meals. It’s working for them! Why should they do anything different? Maybe they have to endure a lecture now and then, but all they have to do is whip out their acting skills and start manipulating. “I was never good enough.” “I’m not sure where to start.” “It’s not worth it.” “It’s complicated.” “Do you want me to die?” “Don’t you love me?” “What kind of parent are you?!” 

Sound familiar?

Teachable Moment

What this entire participation-trophy-generation needs is a good swift kick in the pants. A strong dose of tough love. Here is the lesson this generation needs to learn: financial self-sufficiency is job one. Period. It’s the number one most important thing in life. If you don’t have a roof over your head and food to eat and clean clothes to wear, you don’t have anything. Instead of filling their time with trivial things like social media and video games and hanging out with friends, they need to grow up and get a life.

If You Fail to Plan, You Plan to Fail

There is a handoff of responsibility from parent to child that needs to take place when the child is between the ages of 18 and 22. During that time the child is under the parents’ umbrella and the parents can pay for college if they choose and assist with living expenses such as food and housing and a car and insurance and anything else the child needs. If it’s still going on when the child is 23, 24, 25, the game is in overtime. If it’s still happening past age 25, it's game over. You need to develop a plan to get your child living on their own and you need to do it fast. 

Explain to your emerging adult that at this stage in life you need to shift your focus from raising children to planning for retirement. Point out that it’s past time for him or her to become self-sufficient and that it’s harming both of you to continue to pay their way. You need to save for retirement, not support a perfectly capable young adult who refuses to work. Be clear about what they need to do and by when, and what the consequences are if they don’t. After you discuss this with your child, put it in writing. Date it and give them a copy and keep one for yourself. 

Work things out at an accelerated pace and do not waver from your intentions. If after a reasonable period of time your emerging adult still does not have a job or their own apartment or any money, put them in the car and drive them to nearest homeless shelter. You cannot wait forever for your child to stop taking advantage of you. It may be the hardest thing you ever have to do, but it needs to happen. Put your foot down and say enough is enough.

Too harsh? Think it’s impossible for anyone to claw their way back into society after being dropped off at a homeless shelter? People do it all the time. Penniless immigrants come here every day who can barely speak English and somehow they manage. How much easier is it for your child who was born here and speaks perfect English and knows all our customs?

I’m not saying every young person fails to launch. I’m not saying every child should be kicked out of the house the day they turn 18. I’m not saying every young person becomes a drug addict or a loser. And I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with immigrants who come here unable to speak English. What I am saying is this: we need to recognize what is happening with our young people and do something about it. I’m saying as a society we need to change.

Retirement Planning and Personal Finance

What does this have to do with retirement planning and personal finance? Plenty. You cannot save for retirement if you are supporting your emerging adult. And your emerging adult isn’t going to learn anything about personal responsibility if their parents keep bailing them out.

Participation trophies and emerging adulthood…what interesting concepts. Perhaps instead of emerging adulthood it should be called eternal childhood.

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